5 Tips for Helping Teens Cope With Missing Milestones Due to COVID-19

“Instead of worrying about things we can’t control, focus on what we can do in response.”

Kerry McGee, MD

The COVID-19 pandemic has changed our lives in ways we never expected. Along with everything else, many of the rituals and milestones of growing up have been canceled: graduations, proms, senior performances, award ceremonies, project presentations, and art shows. 

Sure, all of us are missing pieces of our lives right now. But for teens, who don’t have a very deep cushion of experience to fall back on, the sense of loss can be especially stressful.

How can we help our teens face the loss of these once-in-a-lifetime events? Here are a few ideas.

1) Recognize the grief

The word grief is often used when we talk about death, but grief doesn’t just happen when someone dies. Grief can also happen when something important is lost, like the cancelation of an event we were looking forward to. Experts have plenty of advice for dealing with grief. Teens who feel grief for the loss of a milestone event can benefit from some of this advice, too.

• Don’t try to fix it: Licensed professional counselor Libreta Turner says, “When our kids are suffering and grieving, it’s tempting to jump in and try to make it better.” Instead, she suggests, parents should step back for a bit. “Take the necessary time to attentively listen and validate what they are feeling… that it’s not fair, that it feels awful, that they are missing so much.” Listen to what they’re saying, and give them time to grieve.
• Understand the stages of grief: When we grieve, we feel a mix of many emotions. Denial, anger, bargaining, sadness, and acceptance all come and go. On top of that, some teens might think their troubles aren’t as important as those of others — which might make them feel guilty for grieving at all. But the emotions they’re feeling are real. As parents, it’s important not to ignore them. “Feeling heard and understood is essential to help them move through their emotions as a first step,” says Turner. “Afterward, they are better able to problem solve and repair, accept alternative celebrations, and move forward.”
• Help them process their emotions: Everyone processes grief differently. Teens might be learning for the first time how to deal with big disappointments. It is important to give them time and space to figure out what works for them. Experts recommend the following for dealing with feelings around grief:
  • Talking with friends or family
  • Reading poetry or books
  • Listening to music
  • Exercising
  • Eating healthy foods 
  • Taking time to relax
  • Finding spiritual support
  • Talking to a counselor or therapist

2) Acknowledge when the grief is coming from you, not them

As parents, we look forward to our kids’ milestones as much as they do. In fact, we might look forward to them even more. After all, didn’t we imagine our children growing up even before they were old enough to understand? Some of the excitement, and some of the importance, our kids place on their milestone events was learned from us. And some of the grief they feel comes from us, too.

It’s OK to grieve the cancelation of your child’s graduation or opportunity. You were looking forward to it, too. But keep track of which emotions are coming from you, and which are coming from your teen. Be careful not to add to their anger or guilt. Don’t let your own sense of loss amplify theirs. Let them know you are grieving, but show them the adult ways you’ve learned to cope with that.

3) Address future uncertainty 

None of us know what’s going to happen next month, let alone 6 months from now. For teens just beginning to think about the future, this uncertainty can feel overwhelming.

Concerns about the job market, changes to college schedules, political worries, and an unpredictable economy can make the future feel like a black hole. Be upfront about how hard it is to make choices when we don’t know what will happen next. No one is in this alone, and everyone is doing the best they can. By sharing the challenges we’re facing in our own lives, we can make the uncertainty feel less isolating.

And even when the future seems crazy, there are things we can control. For example, we can decide to continue learning. We can decide to behave in ways that are likely to keep us safe. “Learning to tolerate uncertainty is key to managing anxiety,” says Turner. “Life has plenty of curve balls in store for us! Trying to anticipate and control them is what creates stress.” 

Instead of worrying about things we can’t control, she says, focus on what we can do in response. “Work on building the confidence that we are capable and have the skills to manage whatever comes our way,” recommends Turner.

When everything feels up in the air, it is comforting to realize there are things we can control. Help teens face an uncertain future by giving them power over today. 

4) Mark the occasion

Just because the big ceremonies have been called off doesn’t mean we shouldn’t celebrate our teens’ milestones. Here are some suggestions for meaningful ways you and your teen can recognize their accomplishments. 

• Make it a memory: We value the memories our life rituals bring. That’s why we take photos of prom nights and videos of graduation ceremonies. This year, when these events got canceled, we also lost the opportunity to collect these memories. Consider making a recording, collection, or photoshoot with your teen that will last into the future. Having a project to work on can also help your teen shift their focus away from what they are missing. Plus, when your teen recalls the event they missed out on, they will have something positive to remember.
• Connect with others: Our relationships are an important part of our life milestones. After all, graduations and performances are more than just celebrations. They are also social events and opportunities to catch up with people we don’t see very often. Unfortunately, connectedness is one of the biggest losses of pandemic life. Reach out to family members and friends as you consider how to celebrate your teen’s accomplishments. Connecting with others — even virtually — is also a powerful way to move through grief. 
• Consider service: As you brainstorm ideas for marking your teen’s milestones, think about ways to help your community at the same time. For example, you and your teen might raise money for a cause, collect canned goods for a food pantry, or create community art. Working on a service project creates memories and builds community at the same time. Plus, researchshows that helping others makes us feel happy and grateful — and that can be a positive step towards dealing with grief.

5) Help teens see a bigger picture

Teens don’t have the benefit of decades to know that life goes on. Opportunities come and go. Events that are important one week sometimes become smaller in significance when we look back over time. As adults, we know that performances and tournaments end, but skill and talent persist. And hard work is not wasted — the lessons we learn come back later in ways we can’t yet predict.

“This can be an opportunity to build resilience,” says Turner. Show them how you, as an adult, are able to survive life’s disappointments. “This is not really something we can fix for them,” she says. “So helping them process their feelings is the most helpful thing we can do.”